Mazel Tov!

Well...

I GOT THE JOB.

I just got the call from my agency. 30 day temp-to-hire gig. And at the end of the month, transition over to full-time regular employment. I don't want to quote the salary, but I'll actually be making $5,000 more than my last full time job. A pretty nice little bump.

The company said that they're really excited to have me and that they think that it's going to be a perfect match. They'd never seen a more qualified candidate.
So, all of my worrying was unfounded.

I start on Monday!

Needless to say, we're pretty excited in the household and are celebrating appropriately!



Cheers,
Mr.B

PS. I forgot to mention that they've asked if I wouldn't mind going to New York for a week in September for some training. I told them that wouldn't be a problem.
That whole idea is thrilling to me. I've never been to New York. But I've always wanted to go. I'll probably add a day or two to my schedule and do some sight-seeing while I'm there.
I want to see Central Park and the Statue of Liberty. And Ground Zero. And the UCB theater and the DC Comics office and if there's time, the Marvel Comics office. I might see if I can't score some tickets to see "The Daily Show" being taped or "The Colbert Report".
So, no. I wouldn't mind that, at all.

Johnny and the Waitress: A Fairly Dirty Tale.

This is a true story.
Trust me. It's entirely true.

Johnny and I were going to meet up for lunch over by Wrigley Field. He picked the restaurant in our phone conversation. We hadn't hung out together in a while and this was our chance to meet up and catch up, a little bit.

I knew the restaurant that he'd picked. I'd eaten there a couple times, when I used to work at Improv Kitchen. You've probably been there too. In fact, if you're thinking of a restaurant over in that area, you're probably thinking of the very place where we met. It's pretty popular.

Johnny got there first and had a seat at the table waiting for me. The first thing that he did was present me with some IK posters that he'd saved for me, when the placed closed down. Silly, goofy things with my big, fat face used as marketing materials.
I really appreciated it. As silly as they were, they serve as nice mementos of my time at IK. In fact, they're hanging up here in my office, right now. Next to the poster of me punching out Joe Stalin and, defeating communism with one blow. (Long story).
We talked about our time at that theater and then about how our lives were going now. I talked about shows that I was in. He talked about his sexy-ass new girlfriend. Apparently, she was pretty, pretty sexy!

We ordered lunch and the waitress chatted us up for a bit. She was a sexy little gal, very curvy. Her dark hair was pulled back into a pony-tail and she had a pretty smile. Which she flashed at us. A lot. Very flirty.
She took our orders and placed them with the kitchen. And then took up position at the bar, facing us and rolled silverware, while eying us from afar. From a distance, I first thought that she was checking us both out, but it became pretty clear that she was watching Johnny and only Johnny. She looked at him, like he looked at his food when it arrived. Hungry. Cartoonishly hungry.

At the end of lunch, it had started to lightly rain and Johnny offered to give me a ride home. His car was right around the corner and he assured me that it was no problem. We settled the check and as we were leaving, the waitress came over and gave Johnny a long, tight, close body-hug. She whispered something into his ear and he smiled and assured her that he would. He gently pulled himself free from her and left the restaurant.

We weren't a block away from the restaurant when he began to tell me "The Story Of The Waitress". I'll try to capture it here for you, as closely as I possibly can.

"I slept with her once," he said, as we walked down Sheridan Avenue in the light rain. "It was a year or two ago. But I guess she remembers it."

"Ah, that makes sense then," I added, "I don't see guys getting hugs from their wait staff like that, all that often."

"Yeah, I guess she still has a thing for me," he said, "It's a crazy story, actually."

"Do tell," I said.

"Well, it was two summers ago when me and my roommate went camping up at the Wisconsin Dells. Have you ever been up there?"

"Nope. Never have."

"Well, they're awesome. They're quiet. And pretty. And secluded. We found a place in the woods to pitch our tents and had a campfire going and smoked weed all weekend long."

"Nice." I said.

"Yeah. On the second day, another friend of mine, Mike, showed up with these two girls with him. There were already a few girls there with us. But I didn't know these two new girls. One of them was this short, hot, blonde with huge tits. The other one was the waitress there." He thumbed back to indicate the restaurant.

"Who also has-"

"Huge tits. Yeah. They're awesome."
"Anyhow, the showed up and brought plenty of beer with them and we stayed up by the campfire, playing Eric's guitar and singing and stuff. I was baked. So stoned. So was everyone else."
"I think Mike had his eye on this blonde, but he got so fucked up that he passed out in his tent. So she hung out by the fire with us. And I could tell that she really liked me."

"Sure. Who wouldn't?" I added helpfully.

"Right. So, we stayed up pretty late and everyone was pretty fucked up and I said 'Hey everybody. I am going to bed.' and I headed for my tent to go pass out."
"I was in there and I'd just gotten out of my jeans, when I see somebody walking over to my tent, you know, like her shadow on the tent there."

"Sure. Sure."

"It's the hot blonde. And she comes into my tent and says, 'I am going to fuck you right now.' and I say, 'Okay' and we start making out, right there. It was really intense."

"Wow."

"Yeah! And not only that, but she brought this pill case in with her and it's full of cocaine and she taps out a little of it on her thigh and says, 'Come here and snort this coke off of me.' So I did!"

"Jesus." I said.

"Yeah! And then she puts a bump of it between her tits and says, 'Snort it off of my tits' and I did that too! Have you ever snorted coke from between a big ole pair of tits before?"

"No. No I haven't," I said. The truth is, I haven't snorted coke off of anything, anywhere, but I didn't want to interrupt the flow of the story with that admission.

"It was awesome! She snorted coke off of my chest and we were getting pretty fucked up when all of the sudden, I look up and there's the waitress standing at my tent door. And she comes in and zips it closed after her and says, 'I want some too.' And she snorts coke off of me, too."

"We're in there and we're all taking our clothes off and they're going down on me and I'm going down on them and they're going down on each other while I watch! It's tits and ass all over the place. I busted a nut two or three times and because of the coke, I feel like I can go all night, you know?"

"Sure." And I was officially amazed at where this story is going.

"Well, the blonde cums two or three times and then she passes out. But because my tent is pretty big, she goes to sleep and there's still room for me and the waitress to fool around in. At this point, she still has her jeans on, but I don't think anything of it. They're undone and I can get at everything I want to get at, so I don't really notice."

"So, I start to take her jeans all the way off, because I'm going to fuck her and she says, 'Hang on. There's something I need to show you' and she takes off her jeans and she's got an artificial leg."

"No way!"

"Yes way! One of her legs is gone, from mid-thigh all the way down. And she's got an artificial leg on. I think she was in a car accident, as a kid."

I thought back to the waitress and now that I think about it, she DID have just a hint of a limp. Just like someone with an artificial leg, who'd had it for years and was really good at moving around on it. Barely noticeable.

"Yeah, so, she takes her leg off and at first I'm a little bit weirded out, but she's not asking me to lick her stump or anything, so, I just go with it. And we're fooling around and she gives me like the best blowjob ever and I go down on her and finally she's underneath me and we actually start fucking."
"And it's fucking AMAZING. Like, the best sex I've ever had. Have you ever had sex with an amputee before?"

"Um. No. I don't think that I have." And suddenly that felt like a great time that I've missed out on.

"Yeah, well, it's awesome! I guess because of the effort to move their artificial leg around and stuff, her muscles down there are really developed. I mean, REALLY developed. She's doing things to my dick with her pussy that I've never thought were possible. I cum like two or three times and as soon as I can, I go back for more. I just couldn't believe it. It felt that good. I had to keep doing it again and again."

"Wow."

"Yeah. Fucking amazing. I've never felt anything like that before that and nothing like it since then, either. They left the next day and I never got another night with her or the hot blonde. I think that Mike was pissed that I slept with both of the girls that he brought with him."

"Have you hooked up with her since then?"

"No. Never did. Honestly, I got so busy with stuff back here in the city, that I never got around to it. And then I met this new girlfriend and got busy with that. And I never got back to her. Honestly, I'd forgotten that she worked at that particular cafe. It wasn't until I got there, that I saw her and remembered everything."

"I see."

"Yeah. And when we left, she hugged me and said, 'We should get together some time' and rubbed her thigh between my legs. But I probably won't. I don't want to mess things up with my girlfriend."

"No. You don't want to do that." And for a short time, neither of us talked. He remembered that crazy night. And I just imagined it.

We arrive at the car and I was just stunned from the entirety of the story. How intimate the details were. And how things took a bizarre turn that I couldn't have possibly anticipated. How things went from "A fun lunch with an old friend" to "Coked Up Threesome in the woods" so fast.

But then, that's Johnny and his lifestyle. He's young and exciting and dangerous. He does whatever he wants, wherever he wants with whomever he wants. And if he settles down a little bit, later on, that's his call to make. For now, though, he's a rockstar and enjoying every kinky, crazy, sexy, coked-up minute of it.
As we climbed into his car for him to drive me home, he left me with one bit of advice that sticks with me today.


"You wouldn't think it, but nobody fucks like an amputee. If you ever get the chance, hit that. There are rewards waiting for you there. You know. In her pussy."

I Am Waiting...

So, the first interview went really, really well.

I was there for an hour, talking to the person who would become my boss. It's a lovely little office. If I worked there, I would be the fourth person in there. And as I learned a little bit about them, I cold see that the things that I did at my old job would be very handy at this job. I think that they could really use me there.

At the end of the interview, the interviewee asked if I would be okay with taking a call from their New York Human Resources person. I said that would be fine and left the office feeling pretty good.

I got home and had time to get out of my business suit and relax a little bit. An hour later, as I was chatting with Joe about how the interview went, the HR person called me.

This second interview was not the smashing success that the first one was. This New York person was not impressed by me and my efforts to be charming and engaged in the conversation could not penetrate her hard, "I am not impressed by anything" demeanor. More than my skill sets, she wanted to know about my past work experiences and grilled me on why I wasn't at my last job anymore. And that's a complicated story. So, that took a little bit of time. She kept me talking with a series of uninvolved "uh huhs" and "okays". I felt like a poorly prepared stand-up comedian performing for a hostile room or one audience member.

So, I did my best. And kept the pressure I was feeling from creeping into my voice and answered everything that she wanted to know, without elaborating beyond the questions that she was asking.

Afterwards, I called my temp agency and touched base with them. My agent was very encouraged by the fact that they'd pursued it to the next level with me. She said that of all of the candidates that they'd sent to this office, I was the only one who had gotten that far. And that she thought it was a very good sign and that an offer might be on the way. She asked me if I was interested in the job (I am) and if I was okay leaving my recent long-term assignment with another non-profit for something else (I am) and would I be ready to accept the offer, if and when it came (I am). I left that conversation feeling buoyed up by her enthusiasm.

That was 3:00pm yesterday.

I heard nothing after that.

And I've heard nothing at all, this morning.

I've got to wonder if this means that they're now doing their own background checks on me. Or if something I said to "New York HR person" made me an unattractive prospect. Or if some other amazing candidate came along and nailed the job interview.

I've called my agency this morning and left a message with my rep, asking if they'd heard anything. I kept the disappointment out of my voice and sounded up beat and curious. I don't want to tip my hat that I'm secretly worrying about the lack of contact.

Merrily We Roll Along...
Mr.B

Good Cop, Baby Cop.

Remember Will Ferrel's video, "The Landlord"?

Well, there's a sequel.

Sort of.

Check out "Good Cop, Baby Cop!"

My Very Own Blooper Reel.

Remember back in THIS entry where I mentioned that I was shooting a short film for a local theater production.

Yeah well, there were outtakes. Tons of them. And Bob put them together in my very own blooper reel.

A brief foreward. In this thing, I play Reverend Fred (based I think, on Fred Phelps and the "God-Hates-Fags" gang). I am a television evangelist and in all three of my clips, I am whooping up on the gays. I hates them. Morning, noon and night. "Gays are an abomination" etc. etc. etc.

And because the dialogue was so mean and horrible and full of shit, Bob and I would loosen up in between takes or whenever I blew a line. That's what you're going to see now.

The outtakes.
Mr outtakes.
My stupid, stupid, stupid outtakes.

Enjoy.



PS. That was Bob's cellphone going off. I swear it.

EDITED TO ADD:
Bob posted the actual monologues themselves, too. (For the director to view and give notes on. And if she likes them, to use in the shows themselves.) I thought I might include them here, so you can watch me being a big, fat, raging a-hole, too.

Monologue #1 - A Great Evil Among Us.


Monologue #2 - Homosexuality is an Abomination.


Monologue #3 - Wake up, White People!

A Stranger in a Strange Land...

Well, tomorrow I have an interview with a company for a permanent, full-time position. I don't want to say which company. I don't want them to Google themselves and be directed back to this smutty, blog, full of profanity and monkeys. But I do want to tell you a little bit about the company. I think that they're interesting and what they do interests me. So, I am giving them everything that I've got at tomorrow's interview.

The company a national non-profit. I think I'd be the office administrator for the Midwest office, here in Chicago. Their national headquarters are in New York city. The companies charter is to do fund-raising and support for the largest public universities in Israel. Additionally, my company also serves as outreach for the school, telling people about it and raising public awareness of the school.

Some interesting notes about the school.
-Albert Einstein bequeathed all of his notes to the school and they reside there in the special wing of the library.
-In the 1970's, Frank Sinatra made several sizable donations to the university through the company that I am interviewing with. Accordingly, part of those funds were used to build a rec center/ cafeteria in his name on the school campus.
On July 31, 2002, a bomb was set off in the cafeteria by Hamas, which destroyed a large part of the building, killed 9 people and injured countless others.

So, it's an interesting company that works to help fund and raise public awareness of an internationally well-known University in the Middle East.

Before yesterday, I honestly didn't know that either my company or the university actually existed. And that's not a problem for me. My entire career has been mapped by falling sideways or upwards into jobs that I never knew existed. I'm cool with that.

And I'm cool with Judaism. In fact, I harbor a very deeply felt respect and genuine affection for Jews. There are several aspects of their culture that I very deeply admire. For example, there's a tangible, very real familial bond in Jewish families that I never experienced as I was growing up. There's also a fraternity and care for other members of their culture that is very, very real. In fact, the "Jewish Conspiracy" that I've heard nutty people rail on about can be summarized very succinctly. It's "Take Care of Your Jewish Brother". I don't see anything more devious than that, going on.

And those are my feelings about the "Sons of Abraham" that completely leave out their roles in history or the pop culture. No mention there of my feelings about the holocaust, or the persecution of the bible or of "Schindlers List" etc. My feelings of general goodwill for Judaism comes directly from my own, very healthy, very happy interactions with members of that culture.

My good feelings for them have even infiltrated my own work onstage. A few years ago, when I was just a student at IO, I did a scene based upon the premise that I'd just found out that I was Jewish and didn't know what that meant. My actual, very real ignorance about Judaism kept that scene from building beyond a discussion of "Fiddler on the roof".
A few years later, I played "Latke Pashke", the Hanukkah Elf, in a Stinger Christmas show. As I portrayed him, LP was a good, normal, reasonable guy who wanted to hold to his own Jewish traditions, even if the place where he worked and lived (up on the North Pole with Santa) was a direct conflict with his traditions. In the end of the show, he snuck out of the North Pole in Santa's toy bag and begun a new life for himself in New York City. (sort of.)
Just last month, my troupe, International Stinger hosted a faux, Star Wars Bar Mitzvah. We incorporated as many Star Wars themed / Bar Mitzvah events as we could into the show. I honestly think that if an actual Jew had been there, that they would've been thrilled to participate. I think that they would've seen that their culture was being embraced and celebrated and not mocked.

None of this, of course, will make it's way into the interview tomorrow.

For the interview, I'll shave and clean up and dress nicely.
I'll present my resume and answer their questions.
I'll show that I've done my homework today and know about their organization and the university and what they do.
I'll ask questions about what they need for the job that they're filling and try to get a sense of whether I'll be a good fit or not.

And if all goes well, my goyim ass might be gainfully employed again, as early as next week.

I bet they'll be cool if I want to grow a beard out, while I work there.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Where The Wild Things ALMOST Are.

The original art from the Maurice Sendak book, "Where the Wild Things Are".

First image from the upcoming live action adaptation of "Where the Wild Things Are", directed by Spike Jonze (director of "Being John Malkovich" and some of the most amazing music videos I've ever seen) has been released today.

I gotta say...

Looks like they're on the right track with this one. I'm very curious to see what they did with the actual "Wild Things" themselves. Also, how do you expand such a threadbare script into a 90 minute film?

This first image, though, is very encouraging.

Enjoy.

Ukuleled Part 2: Uncle Hendo Delivers!

Shot footage for a local play today in a cemetery. Two hours of screaming, hateful, bigoted crap about "the homosexual abomination". Seriously, folks, at times, I just wanted to STOP talking and quit saying that crap. My heart was not into it. (Ah well, somebody has to be the bad guy in this shindig.)
I'll post footage after Bob edits it together and posts it on Youtube.

After the shoot, I wandered over to Hendo's for a bit. I knew that he was home from work and I had nothing better to do, until later that evening. We enjoyed a very nice dinner, me, Hendo and Megan. I watched my first episode of Scrubs and liked it.

As I was leaving, Hendo reminded me that he's going to loan me something for a while. He pointed up over his door at this item. Which was still in the box.



THANKS HENDO!

Oh boy!
My first ukulele!
Still MINT, IN THE BOX.
On loan!

As you can see, I am cuh-rayzee for it.


(Note to self: You really can't tell that I don't have any pants on in that picture. I've got to remember that. That info might come in handy!)

I fiddled around on the Interwebz, looking for a good tutorial on the instrument and I found THIS amazing site. Pineapple Pete's Uke School.

What an amazingly comprehensive site! The tutorial is simple and easy to use. Before I left the site, I successfully tuned my "uke", learned the "C" and the "F" chords, learned how to properly hold my uke and began strumming. All of the tools on the site are SUPER easy to use. (Of particularly keen mention is the tuning instruments. Click on the string you want to tune and leave the curser on it and it repeats the note in one second intervals, which allows you to adjust your strings and tune the uke properly. Fucking brilliant.)

Now that I've got my instrument and a good teacher and a song that I want to sing, alls I gotta' do is sit down an apply myself to learnin' the actual particulars of the instrument.



As I walked home tonight, carrying my new treasure, I wondered to myself if it was "normal" for a grown man, in his 30's, to want to learn a new musical instrument. Especially a very, very goofy new instrument. And not to woo girls or get his rock on, but to be able to play novelty songs in a small, blackbox theater, burlesque show.
I suspect that most men don't even think to try this. It just doesn't come up, in their day-to-day. They're too busy doing other things.
In the end, I decided that I clearly wasn't the best judge of what is or isn't "normal". I can only say what is normal for me. And I remember that last summer, around this time, I took up the soprano recorder. So, picking up the ukulele this summer isn't all that much of a surprise. It's actually quite normal. For me, that is.

Dr. Jones!

Look, I know that this is the last Indy movie!

And I know that the first three are nearly perfect...

And I know that this new one is just more Hollywood Sequel-itis, trying to get me to buy shit that I've already bought before, instead of making something new or original...

And I know that this movie is LITERALLY being set up to introduce Shia Lebouf as Indy's son, so that HE can carry on the franchise, now that Harrison is too old to regularly make some more Indiana Jones movies...

...buuuuuuuuuuuuuut...

This Picture is Still Fucking Cool As Shit.
It makes me hope that they get it right.
That this movie isn't going to be as bad as I actually think it might be.



PLEASE DONT FUCK THIS UP!
PLEASE DONT FUCK THIS UP!
PLEASE DONT FUCK THIS UP!

Ukeleled!

Well, I made a decision.

I am going to learn how to play the Ukulele.

I want to be able to play it in the BBR. I've been looking for something special for my character to do, that might add some color to the show. Hendo outlawed my idea of a child's drum kit. And the soprano recorder has about 8 notes and I'm having trouble finding songs appropriate to my character that fit in those 8 notes. (You don't want to hear about the wasted night that I spent in bed, trying to fit "Freebird" into those damned 8 notes. No, that is not a euphemism for something else.)

But then I hit upon this song...


That was Patience and Prudence singing the song on the Perry Como shot in 1956. They had a national hit with the number. Nice job, kids.

I recalled hearing local chanteuse, Thea, performing the song at a production of "Don't Spit The Water" that I stumbled into. It was the first time that I'd heard the song. As part of her stage banter, she mentioned that we might recognize the song from the movie, "The Jerk", which I hadn't seen.
When I got home that night, I looked up a Youtube clip from the movie and instantly fell in love with the song. So simple. So charming. So short.

And it looks relatively easy to play!

Yesterday, I priced ukuleles at the Old Town School of Folk music. Just $30. That should be pretty easy to work into the budget.
Last night, I bought a copy of the song from Itunes and popped it into my ipod. Today, whenever I found myself whistling at work, THIS was the song that I was whistling.

I spoke to Hendo at lunch and mentioned that this was something that I was putting together for the BBR. He told me not to bother buying a ukulele. He had one that he didn't actually play. If I tuned it, I could use it in the show and maybe have the number ready for next months show.

Tonight I was trolling around the internet, seeing what sort of online sources were available for learning to play the ukulele. Quite by accident, I stumbled onto this charming site. It's called, simply, Ukulele Lessons. I don't know if there's something written in the Ukulele Teachers Handbook that all teachers have to be charming and informative, but thumb through that site and see how many gems you come up with.

Here are two of my favorite quotes from the lessons guide.

Here's the instructor discussing the big step from practicing to playing for friends and family members...

If you study the basic chords, you should play for many people. Even if you can play only three chords, it is just enough.
If your family and friends' faces turn bitter, you don't have to worry. If you are a poor player, just back up slowly and fade away.

I fucking LOVE that.

Don't apologize. Don't make excuses. Just KEEP playing, maintain eye contact and slowly back away, out of the room. Once you're clear of your friends and family, you can break into a run and get the Hell out of there.

Delightful.

Also, remember this important point...

Ukulele is the miracle music instrument .The ukulele sound won't interrupt the talking of business or the whisper of lovers.

So, you're free to whip out your ukulele at a high-power business meeting or post coitus. C'mon ladies, you'd be really impressed if your lover showed off his pitch perfect key and simple fingering style on his ukulele, right after love-making, wouldn't you?
And if you DON'T like it, he can just maintain eye contact with you, keep playing, slowly back up slowly and fade away.
Brilliant.

Well, I've located a ukulele and picked my first song and as crazy luck would have it, there's even a lesson online to teach you the 6 or 7 chords that you need, to play the song.

Check out this really, really lovely instructional clip.

That's Janet Klein and her Parlor Boys.

I know. It's incredible. The intricate design of her instructional video is just amazing. Who knew such a thing existed?
For more delights, you should check out her actual website. It's equally lovely.

So, let's see.
Ukulele located.
Lyrics located.
Song is downloaded into my ipod.
Online visual lesson is located.

All that I need to do now, is to apply myself to learning the song on my own and singing WHILE I play the "uke".

That should be easy, right?

TO BE CONTINUED....

PS. Now that your ukulele mind is all warmed up. Prepare to have it blown away by this guy! His name is Jake Shimabukuro. You can learn more about him by visiting his website. He's got an album out too. Which you should buy.

Gilmour, Published. (Again.)

I just got a notice that Ryan has been published online, again. Check out his original fiction piece, "Pud Robs A Liquor Store" by clicking here.

Way to go, RDG!
That's another credit on the old resume. Another step towards the kind of work you want to be doing!

I couldn't be happier for him.

Cheers,
Mr.B

Neutral Face.

So, I got a call from the "Millionaire Dresses Like Flying Rodent, Ass-Whips Clown" movie folks yesterday, asking if I wouldn't mind coming in again. It seems that they've lost my photograph and they need a new one from me. I offered to email one to them and they said, "Um, we're not set up to receive and print photos online. Do you mind just bringing one in to us?"

"Of course not," I said, "When do you want to see me?"
I'm all politeness and flexibility when I want you to put me in your movie.

So they set the appointment up for today at 4pm. I'm getting out of work a little early to travel to their office (again).

And according to their wishes, I've printed out another copy of my photo to bring with me. This is the photo that I'm bringing them.



Not exactly a headshot, if you know what I mean. I took this picture myself, in my tiny office, a week or two ago. I'm intentionally making a neutral face, neither smiling, nor stern. Indicating neither that I would make a good swat team guy or a good mobster. I wanted it that way. I wanted to be neutral enough that the casting agent that looks at it, will decide for themself who they want me to play. In such a way I am both a good swat team guy or a mobster, depending on what you want to map onto me.

I think the most important lesson that we can learn from this picture is that there's a reason why you pay professional photographers to take your headshots. The guy in this picture is perfectly hirable as an extra. But you wouldn't give him lines or a featured part in the film. No. You give those parts to guys with proper headshots.

Neutrally Yours,
Mr.B

PS. I'll drop you a note here to let you know if they cast me in the movie for something.

Return of the Apes!

Blewt just posted the teaser video for the second production of "Impress These Apes". The show opens on August 2nd, 2007 at I.O. It's a great teaser video, giving a pretty good idea of the breadth of talent and just plain weirdness that they must've seen at the audition.
I have to confess that it got me really excited to see what they're going to do with this show. This will be the first show that I'll have seen at I.O. in what? Two,three years?

Check out the teaser video. Consider yourself to be officially "teased"!

Nice suit. Nice bike.

www.superherohype.com had links up to these sweet pics of the new costume and vehicle for 2008's "Millionaire Vigilante, Wears Flying Rodent Suit, Fights ClownMan 2". I thought you might like to see his new costume and new vehicle. I think that they're both pretty sweet.

(If you click on the pic of the suit, you can see a much higher res scan of it. It really highlights the new plating on the front of the suit. I can't wait to see it in motion.)



And here's his sweet-ass new vehicle. It's his version of the motorcycle.

Meet Mr. Motivated!

Got back from the Alleghan trip on Sunday afternoon. It was as wonderful as I thought it was going to be. Better, actually. I found myself sitting on a comfy couch, after the show, drinking Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonades (supercheap thanks to the owner), chatting about the show and life with the girls in the show and Hendo, absolutely exahausted from the whole show experience. A very happy time. Of course, those moments of quiet contentment are never captured in pictures.

But pictures of my bare ass or Ryan looking like a gay pornstar? Those pictures got taken with no problems. I'll post them some time soon. Greg and I need to exchange picture disks this Saturday, at the show.

Seriously. My big, white, bare ass. The horror. The horror.

It was funny at the time.

That was this weekend. Today, I am looking forward, at my prospects.

Maybe it's the light workflow today, but I am very, VERY motivated to plan out my next plan of attack. My next opportunity. I recently got feedback that two other opportunities aren't going to come to fruition (The Reader wrote me a very nice letter, thanking me for my submission, but rejecting the story idea and The Playground elections just went to someone else. And probably not the someone else you'd think it would go to, either.) I'm fine with both rejections. It feels like I can put my nose to the grindstone and get more work done in other areas, instead.

For example, Craigslist has posted two more Extras Companies in Chicago that are looking to register people. I have contact info for both and will respond to them today! I'm also culling the Chicago Craigslist entries for more info about writing gigs and applying for everything that I am the least bit appropriate for.

I've also begun researching the Touring Show auditions for Second City. My run in with "the producer there who really didn't like me very much" in April turned things around completely. She was nice and open and excited to see me. She had two small problems and I solved both of them for her, effortlessly and she went out of her way, as she was leaving, to say "goodbye" to me. So, whatever used to annoy her about me, seems to be completely lost and forgotten.
Which opens up a HUGE opportunity for me.
I can now audition for her theater, without fearing that she'll just sandbag me from the get-go. That's literally kept me out of auditions for years now.
With that change in the weather, I am ready to audition for them now. I'm very excited about getting to audition for that theater. That's something that I wanted to do, when I moved here. I'm glad it's finally going to happen.
So, I began researching today to see if there is any info posted about when the auditions are going to happen. From what I can see online, it looks like they were in October of last year, with notice happening in September. I've already marked my Daily Planner to start checking online for info in September.
And mentally, I am ready for those auditions. I am excited and confident and in control of who I am and how I improvise. And if that translates to an appealing onstage presence, then sign me up!

I've also begun to budget for headshots. After that, it's off to the casting agencies to start looking for work there.

I don't know where all of this will lead me. I don't know that strong motivation is going to translate to success. But I DO know that nothing will ever happen, if I don't try.

Add to that, my excitement about the upcoming BBR Martyrs show (with my first duet with Hendo) and beginning the process of shaping "Fugue" in rehearsals, added to the pleasures of working on the short film group, and I am very much fulfilled creatively, right now.

Onward and Upward,
Mr. Motivated

On the Road with the BBR.

Tomorrow morning, at 10AM, I'm heading out on the road with the BBR. We're traveling to Allegan, MI to perform at a theater there.


A postcard of downtown Allegan (100 years ago.)

According to an email that I got tonight from Hendo, the local radio stations have been promoting us non-stop for five or six days now. I DO believe that we're going to blow the doors out of that joint.

The lineup is top-notch! All the girls are going, Hendo, Ryan and The Amazing Tomas. So, we're bringing the "magic" and the "comedy" with the Boobs. That's very exciting.

I'm looking forward to so many things on this trip...
-The actual road trip with Hendo, Megan and Greg.
-Being celebrities for two days.
-The indoor pool at our hotel room.
-Doing the show in front of a wildly enthusiastic audience.
-Drinking at the bar, of the show, after it's done!
-The "Townie Party" that the boys keep threatening to throw in our hotel room.
-Eating meals, on the road, with this cast.
-A 24 hour reprieve from worrying about what to do about my current work situation.

Honestly, I'm so excited about it, that I can't sleep. It's like Christmas Eve in here. (Except it's hotter than fuck, because it's summer.)

So many things to look forward to. This is going to be a blast.

And I'm taking my camera along with me to capture as much of it as possible from the road. I'll try to post some pics here, when I get back.

See you on the flipside,
Mr.B

Pyewacket, Jarmara and Vinegar Tom.

Watched "Bell, Book and Candle" tonight. It's not bad for a movie that was made nearly 50 years ago. Jimmy Stewart is Jimmy Stewart. I found myself REALLY enjoying any time Jack Lemmon was onscreen. Young Jack Lemmon is compulsively watchable. I might need to get out my copy of "The Apartment" sometime soon.

After the movie, I went to IMDB to do a little research on the film and ran across an interesting note in the "Trivia" section. You can check it out by clicking this link or just read it here. It's pretty short.

Gillian's cat is named Pyewacket. This name has become a popular one for cats because of this movie, but few know its origin: Pyewacket was one of the familiar spirits of a witch detected by the "witchfinder general" Matthew Hopkins in March 1644 in the town of Maningtree, Essex, UK. He claimed he spied on the witches as they held their meeting close by his house, and heard them mention the name of a local woman. She was arrested and deprived of sleep for four nights, at the end of which she confessed and named her familiars, describing their forms. They were:

* Holt
* Jarmara
* Vinegar Tom
* Sacke and Sugar
* Newes
* Ilemauzer
* Pyewacket
* Pecke in the Crowne
* Griezzel Greedigutt

Hopkins says he and nine other witnesses saw the first five of these, which appeared in the forms described by the witch. Only the first of these was a cat; the next two were dogs, and the others were a black rabbit and a polecat. So it's not clear whether Pyewacket was a cat's name or not. As for the meanings, Hopkins says only that they were such that "no mortall could invent." The incident is described in Hopkins's pamphlet "The Discovery of Witches" (1647).

Pretty interesting, no?

Before you read this, you didn't know the names of the familiars of English witches, did you?

Well, I didn't.

I love having access to those names. I've no idea where I can use them, but I like having them in my back pocket for later reference.

For more on Hopkins, you can check out his wikipedia page, here.

Historically Yours,
Mr.B

Open Court NEEDS Friends...

Jessica from MORT suggested that we should put together a MySpace page for Open Court. That way, folks can get updates on shows, reminders of performances and so forth. It's a good idea. I don't know why we never thought of it. So, I took her suggestion and created one.

One twist that I added later... I'm taking my digital camera to future Open Courts and am taking snapshots of the attendees. That way, folks can feel like they're instantly a part of the show, after all, their face is on our MySpace page. Scrolling from right to left on one of those handy photo slideshows.

The only problem is...the webpage needs "friends". We're currently being deluged by invites from fictional hot-ass models who "happen to click on our page by accident" but think that we're "really hot and maybe [we] want to get together sometime and get a drink or talk about sex."

Christ. MySpace is populated by Spammers. It's fucking terrible, actually. I spend A LOT of time deleting friend invites from "THIS PROFILE DOES NOT EXIST".

So, if you're a local improviser and you want Open Court updates, sign up and be Open Courts "friend". Check out our profile by clicking here.

Who knows? Maybe we can get together some time and get a drink and talk about sex?!?



While you're at it, you are welcome to become International Stinger's "friend" too, by clicking here.

Cheers,
Mr.B

WALL E

Pixar just posted a teaser trailer for it's next big movie (well, next movie after Ratatouille, which is harder to fuckin' spell than it really should be). The movie is called "WALL-E" and it comes out next summer.

Here's a link to the teaser trailer. IMDB says it'a about "a small robot that looks for a home out in space." And Fred Willard is doing a voice for it.

I noticed that they don't reference CARS or THE INCREDIBLES in the trailer. I think that's because those movies weren't on the slate when the meeting that the trailer references took place. They both came along later. So, I don't take the omission to actually mean anything.

But let me tell you that any trailer that uses "BRAZIL" as the background music, whilst it hints at a workaday hero, dreaming of a better life for himself gets my attention immediately. Tonally, they're plucking away at my heartstrings. I'll probably have to check this one out.

A year from now...

Go watch the teaser trailer already. It's pretty great. A full on trailer has to be crack for the eyeballs.

Cheers,
Mr.B

News Flash: German Squirrel Rampage Injuries 3!

Saw this article pop up on Huffpost and I couldn't resist posting about it...

Three injured as squirrel goes nuts

Thursday June 14, 2007
Guardian Unlimited

A ferocious squirrel went on the rampage in Germany this week, attacking three people before meeting its match in an angry 72-year-old.

Police in the southern town of Passau said the creature attacked a 70-year-old woman on Tuesday, sinking its teeth into her hand.

It next entered a building site and jumped on a construction worker, injuring his hand and arm before he fought it off with a pole.

A police spokesman said the squirrel then finally met its end - but it didn't go down without a fight.

"The squirrel went into the 72-year-old man's garden and attacked him on the arms, hand and thigh," the spokesman said. "Then he killed it with his crutch."

He explained that experts thought the creature's behaviour could have been brought on by the mating season, or it could have been ill.

I have nothing to add to this article to make it any funnier than it already is. Reality has beaten me to the punch.

This does, however, provide a great segue to post a pic that has been living on my computer for a while now. Something I've always wanted to post, but never had a reason to. I think that this is about as close as I'm going to get.

Cheers,
Mr.B

Meet Me - At Age 25.

That's what I looked like when I was 25. I took that picture as my headshot a month before I ended up moving here in October, 2000.

If you want to know what I wrote and acted like at 25, well, then you'll have to check out this "tangential blog". It's called Mr.B In Chicago 2000-2001.

Back in 2000, before I had a blog, I used email to keep up with people. I wrote them stories and conducted quizzes and generally acted as ringmaster for a bunch of people who kindly tolerated me. I wrote these and then emailed them out to huge chains of email addresses that I culled from friends and family members.

Every time someone responded to my email, I wrote them back a personal response. I used the mass email to make contact and the responses to keep in touch.

I'd forgotten about these emails until about 4 or 5 months ago. A friend, Ed Conkle, had saved them in one of his old email accounts and as a joke, forwarded them back to me...7 years after I wrote them.

It was his idea that I might include them in a post on this blog.

And I thought I might, until I actually read them.

And saw how horribly embarrassing they are.

I read these over again and kept thinking, "God. Is this how I sound to people? This shit is intolerable."

So, I created a tangential blog to store them in and will link to it, here in my blog.

I can't imagine anyone actually taking the time to sift through all of that crap. But maybe you're a completionist and just have to know what I was talking about back in 2000. (Mainly midgets and how excited I was to be working at Second City and IO. Yeesh. I was just a kid.)

And yes, I actually compared myself to John Belushi in there. You can dig up that particular little gem on your own.

I'll revisit that blog from time to time and drop some short clarifications in the comments sections of each post. Until then, enjoy the raw, ugly things that I wrote at 25.

Cheers,
Mr.B

BBR: Gettin' Lucky!

Hendo sent me an electronic copy of the flyer for our July Martyrs show. I really like the design of it. I am also embarrassed to say that I did not realize, until I saw the poster that our show is on 07-07-07. Those BBR producers sure know how to conjure up a keen marketing angle out of nothin', can't they?

Go ahead! Mark your calendar and check the show out! It should be a blast!

Cheers,
Mr.B

Metahumans On The Train!

Had a fun little experience today on the train, when I looked up from MY copy of "Soon I Will Be Invincible" to see that the guy across from me was reading HIS copy of "Soon I Will Be Invincible". He caught me looking up at him and we both smiled knowingly. Like two heroes, in our alter ego's picking up on each others powers.

It'a a great book, by the way. Probably the most fun I've had exploring a comic-book related world, since reading Kavalier & Clay. It's literally the best text version of a comic book that I've ever read. Ever.

I am taking my time with it. I don't want this book to end.

A few more quick notes about the book...

The author, Austin Grossman, will be in town, doing a reading for Bookslut on June 27th. I am going to try to be there to get my copy signed. I mean, why not? I love having a few signed books in my house. Especially my favorite books. (A few by Garrison Keillor, a Neil Gaiman book and Jeffrey Sweet's "Something Wonderful Right Away.")

Also, check out the website for the book at www.sooniwillbeinvincible.com. If you click on the eyeball at the bottom, it will link you to the Department of Metahuman Affairs. There, you can register your secret identity and take a placement quiz which asks such charming questions as
"Do you now or have you ever owned a grappling hook?"
and
"Do you suffer from Glowing Eyes Syndrome or other related MetaHuman disorders?"
Fucking hilarious.

(When I registered, I used info that relates to my COH character, Captain Space. I can't wait to see what the DMA emails to Captain Space.

Cheers,
Mr.B


Check out the actual cover of the book. A pile of supersuits. The whole design wraps around the book. That's very cool, too.

Onward and Upward; An Update.

A few updates on a few projects...

Fugue.
I got cast in another Don Hall show. He's directing it for TheaterMomentum. It's called Fugue. Here's the description that they posted for the show...

In the style of a musical fugue, this piece explores layered perspectives on a specific theme.
As many as four scenes will play onstage simultaneously while exploring the suggestion of the show. These scenes will invade each other's space while maintaining their own voices through fluid give-and-take.

The show opens in September.
I have mixed feelings about this gig. One the one hand, I am excited about the concept of the form and about working with Don again. I like his passion for his projects and I we tend to agree on what works and what doesn't work.
On the other hand, Tony, the producer, and I don't get along. Never have. I can't say why, exactly. Recently there was a dust-up about a girl that we both ended up dating at the same time. But even before that, there was something, a low-level dislike brewing there. Maybe it's more accurately described as "a quiet lack of respect" for each other.
Well, he's cast in the show with me. (As well as producing the show). It's for his theater troupe. And that didn't bother me when I auditioned for it, because I trust Don and I know that he wants to do good work without all that bullshit pushed out onto it. I figured he protect me from any sort of bad behavior from one of the producers.
I didn't count on the same producer being cast in the show.
So, I've began thinking about how I can just let all the old shit go and move forward without this being a problem for me. I think the central issue is a matter of trust. I don't trust Tony. I don't trust his artistic instincts and I don't trust him socially. I am hoping that a little exposure to him, in rehearsal, along with an openness to the concept that he's not as bad as I previously thought, will repair some old damage done. I am ready for that to happen.
So, we'll see.
I'm actually missing the first meeting this weekend. I'll rejoin the cast next weekend and move forward there. Ready for the possibility that I can let this old animosity go and actually enjoy a good, healthy, creative process here. At the very least, it'll be a pleasure to work with Don again. On a form that I really, really like.


Reverend Fred
The other day Bob Ladewig approached me about playing a crazy, homophobe, over-the-top bigoted televangelist for a local stage/multimedia show. It's called "The Ville" and honestly is intended to be oriented to gay audiences. My character, Reverend Fred, is the bad guy. You see his big, evil, mushy face up on the tv screens, spouting hate-scripture and I guess the other characters talk about what a dick he is.
I like Bob. And he wanted to do the project, so I said, "Sure. Why not?"
I had my "audition" for the part yesterday with the director, Rebekah. I had to read three speeches. All of them crazy-ass anti-gay rhetoric. I guess Rebekah liked what she saw, as I got the part.
Of course, there's no pay for it. Which is fine. But it'll add to my stock of available footage and be a fun experience, too. I film my stuff in a week or so. I'll post clips on here, once they hit Youtube.
One quick note, I found it actually very, very difficult to be an loud, angry, preachy bigot without slipping into a Southern dialect. I guess that particular cliche is so ingrained that it's hard to fight back.

Vidiocy
Well, we placed in the top ten. The show is tonight and they're showing our short film, "The Long Way Home" as part of the festival. All of us, with Monday Pictures, are going. And I've sent out a few invitations to a few friends to come out too.
Because we're not stacking the deck with a TON of supporters, I doubt we'll win. I don't think any of us particularly like that aspect of the festival; the more audience/voters you bring, the better your chances of winning. So, we're going in low-key and ready to just enjoy ourselves.
We ARE however, prepping marketing materials that say stuff like "Monday Pictures, finalists in the Vidiocy Film Festival" etc. So, we'll get something out of this.

Monday Pictures
Yesterday, I pitched my next script idea, "Last Tango in Hell Town". Matt and Ryan liked the idea okay. But the sex stuff made them squeamish. Stacey got up during my presentation to do stuff in the other room. (I took that as a bad sign.) In short, an idea that seemed hilariously funny to me, the other day, has been quietly poo-poohed by the rest of the group and isn't as funny today.
I'll likely take a pass on the script and work on something else. I've got plenty of time. My turn as director/editor is still a few weeks away.
I DID get asked to play "The Pizza Guy" in Erin's film. Which is pretty cool. I didn't get asked to play anything in Matt, Ryan or Stacey's film. So, it'll be nice to get to do some "in-front-of-camera" work. (Technically I have a cameo in Matt's film. So, that's not entirely accurate. I just would've liked to do more.)
Needless to say, I am excited about working on Erin's project with him. And I think I might be playing "the Prop Comic" in Ryan's "My Roommate, The Prop Comic" short film.

BBR On The Road
This weekend is the BBR road trip to Allegen, MI. We've been joking a lot lately about the "Townie Party" that we're going to have back at our hotel room. For those not in the know, a "Townie Party" is when a traveling show invites hot-ass local girls back to their hotel room (along with guys who took a big interest in the show) to celebrate how fuckin' cool the actors in the show are. The smaller the town, the bigger the celebrity of an out-of-town act.
Either way, it should be a hilarious good time.

Hello, Craigslist.
I don't know why I never thought of it before, but I shopped around for work on Craigslist for the first time yesterday. Not administrative or clerical work. But writing gigs and extras/film work in Chicago.
I found the Chicago/Gigs/Writing section and looked carefully at every posting there. In the end, I selected two or three online anthologies or web journals and submitted to them.
My criteria was twofold. First, they had to be looking for a a subject that I could actually write about with some knowledge. The simple truth is that I'm not a Bisexual Woman or a Fine Cuisine Aficionado. I wouldn't even know how to write like one. So, I picked projects that I have a chance to actually write about. Second, the gigs had to pay. I don't care what they pay. They just have to pay. I feel that this is the next logical step in my evolution. I get paid to write.
So, I sent out three different submissions last night and will continue monitoring Craigslist for future gigs. And will apply for them too. I figure that if I throw enough shit at the wall, some of it is sure to stick.

One more note, all of the writing samples that I sent can be found in the "Best of Word" section of this very blog. All this verbage that I've been dumping in here was for a purpose. Stockpiling words that I could eventually publish and sell.

And you thought it was all just pointless narcissim, didn't you?

Oh, and one of the sources was the Chicago Reader. I'm so fucking 100% positive that they would like what I want to write for them, that I'm actually calling the editors myself and pitching it to them. It's a time sensitive article, so I can't afford to sit on this one. Forture favors the brave.

Some Extra Work.
I also have an appointment today with the "Flying Rodent Millionaire People" to turn in my picture for possible casting. Finally. I know that there is work here with this crew. I just need them to know about me, so that they can use me.

Also, I've found a good headshot photographer here in town. I like this guy's work. (What I've seen of it). And more importantly, he's a friend, so I can ask the dumb questions that I need to ask "How many outfits should I bring?" and "How can I keep from looking like a jackass in these pictures?" and "What type do you think I should market myself as?" (His answer: Nice Guy Dad and Funny Fat Guy, Friend Next Door) He's also cutting me a very good deal on the pictures. So, I appreciate that definitely.
This will be the first time I've taken headshots since 2000. Crazy, huh?

Additionally, a good friend who is actually union now and does union gigs has hooked me up with his casting agencies. I have contact info and names and the will to do this. As soon as I get the headshots together, I'll contact these folks and set up a meeting with them. The thought is that might lead to actual speaking lines in these movies. Which, again, is a step up.

A Moment of Reflection.
I was just thinking last night about how happy I am, now that I'm not working my old, shitty ass job. I'd settled. And given up on writing or film work. Both of them looked like Closed Doors to me. But they're not. They're both waiting for me to just step up, take the handle and try to open them.
It's funny how a setback has turned into so many opportunities. All I gotta do is keep taking one step forward, and then another one and then another one and before you know it, I am actually taking full strides towards the life that I want to live.

I'm glad you're here. Taking the journey with me.

Cheers,
Mr.B

Denny Dent's Jimi Hendrix painting.

Back in college, Kenny Vaughn made me a "clips" VHS tape that jumped around, randomly showing me cool or interesting things that he'd collected in his video collection. One of the tapes began with this very clip.



It was the summer that I'd just discovered Jimi Hendrix. I'd drive around at night, running errands, listening to Hendrix cranked up loud, with the windows rolled down, coasting on the backroads of Bowling Green, Ky.

It was a good summer.

It was good music.

It was a good time in my life.

And watching this video brings me back there and reminds me of that time.

But for you, the viewer without those nostalgic strings attached, it's just a cool video of a guy doing a public arts exhibition to a Hendrix song. And yes, it is interesting to see paint frenetically flung up at a wall and somehow forming a coherent picture.

You can learn more about Denny Dent and his work, by clicking here.

Cheers,
Mr.B

"A Giving Of Thanks"

Speaking of Vidiocy projects, this is one I've been wanting to show you for a long, long time. It's called "A Giving of Thanks" and it actually took the top prize, at the last Vidiocy that I went to. Mike B. wrote the music and story for it and stars as the Guy In Glasses. They shot the whole thing over one day at John L's house. I particularly like Paul as "Satan".

It's great.

(Oh, and there are some color bars at the beginning where the title graphics normally would be. Just skip past those and check out the short itself. It's worth it.)

Here's "A Giving of Thanks".

Monday Pictures Present: The Long Way Home.

Our third short film.

This one was written and directed by Matt Larsen. And we completed it as our Vidiocy project. (No word on whether we've made it as one of the ten finalists, yet.)

Initially, we all pitched a story idea that would work with the title "The Long Way Home". Mine was a tender story of a junior level exec show learns lessons about balancing life with work, while travelling through Chicago with a long, deceased, but still active senior exec. Bob's was a short, simple little trip through a Chicago where nothing was on any radio station except the song, "The Long Way Home". Ryan had a thing where an alien said goodbye to his girlfriend before he left forever...and also blew up the earth. Matt's concept was what you're about to see in the following short film.

It's ambitious in that it's our first use of green screen technology for shots. There's also a fair amount of background shots and animation. At the very least, we now have a better idea of what Imovie is capable of. Which is handy when planning out future shorts.

Currently, I'm debating what my next project will be. I've got a thing where we see the reality behind a lesbian relationship. And there's another short film that is just a lengthy series of outtakes from a fictional movie that we won't bother making. Outtakes from the love scene of a movie that we won't make. Seems like all my videos are scatalogically oriented.

Honestly, since we're focusing on comedic shorts right now, I see nothing wrong with that. Sex and the conditions thereof, are funny. We want these things to be funny.

Here's "The Long Way Home".



(My cameo as "Shirtless Fat Guy In Background" happens around 2:25 in the film. It's terribly flattering.)

EDITED TO ADD:
Hooray! We placed in the top ten at this year's Vidiocy! Now, we just need to wrangle friends to come and vote for us to possibly win the top prize. Hooray!

For Interested Folks, The VIDIOCY is Tuesday, June 12th at The Lakeshore Theater! Admission is just $5!

EDITED TO ADD EVEN LATER:
Well, we didn't win. In fact, we didn't even place in the top 4. But that's to be expected, considering we didn't bring anyone with us to vote for the video. The winning video (which was actually pretty funny) had a big cast and they all brought friends. When the contest is decided by popular vote, them's the breaks.
We chatted about it later and we decided that the actual honor was being selected to be in the Top Ten. That meant that someone (the judges actually) watched our video and said, "Hey, that's pretty good. It gets bumped up to the big show." After that, it comes down to how many asses you put in the seats.
We will probably do future Vidiocy's. It's too early to be jaded about the process.

The Battle At Kruger.

If you were Megan, Diane or Ryan and just happened to be at "The Rail" bar with me last night and happened to hear me discussing a video where Lions and Crocodiles fight over a baby buffalo and THE SURPRISE ENDING that capped the whole thing off... well, this video is what I was talking about.



SPOILER ALERT!

(Don't worry, Dear Hearts, although it gets really, really bad for the baby buffalo, he doesn't meet a terminal ending here.)

Nature, man. Sometimes it's a bitch...

Cheers,
Mr.B

DEI

For all my brothers out at Caltech, I give up this Shout out!



Everyone else can just sit in fucking wonderment.

Cheers,
Mr.B

Behold! My Meme!

My good buddy Michael Brownlee has tagged me to continue a meme that he, in turn, got from Don Hall. It's like some sort of literary STD that we're all passing around and frankly, I love it. So, I will furiously beat my chest, sound my barbaric yawp and then spooge out an invite to seven other "lucky" bloggers.

I am required to reprint the following text and then comply with it's instructions.
Observe!

"Bloggers must post these rules and provide eight random facts about themselves. In the post, the tagged blogger tags eight other bloggers and notifies them that they've been tagged."

Gaze With Wonderment at Eight Things That You Previously Did Not Know About (THE CHILDHOOD VERSION OF) Me!

ITEM #1: In middle school, I collected up the tiny squeeze tubes of camoflage face paint that came with G.I.Joe figures and would paint my face up, dress in military camo, sneak out of my basement bedroom and "run missions" with the other kids in our neighborhood. The missions would consist of climbing to the roof of the local McDonalds and watching cars drive by on the street. It felt much, much more dangerous than it actually was.

ITEM #2: At the age of 5 or 6, I wandered away from my mom at the Kentucky State Fair. She was in a panic, looking for me, when she heard my voice coming from the mainstage where a country music band was performing the theme to "The Dukes of Hazzard" (a show that I loved). I'd wandered through the crowd, and climbed up to the stage to sing. The lead singer put his cowboy hat on me and sang the chorus parts with me. After the song, the audience applauded me (or so I've been told) and my mom took me back and kept a much, much tighter watch over me.

ITEM #3: I got a gig as a wee, little boy, as the "basketball boy" for the University of Louisville, through my mom's contacts with the local Jaycees. The idea was, the "basketball boy" sat ON THE COURT during a UofL game and when they warmed up before the game, would send the extra balls out to them and then collect them up afterwards and store them at the side of the court. In exchange for this little bit of work, I got to sit on the floor of the court during the actual game and wear a UofL sweatshirt, WHICH I GOT TO KEEP!
I did my job at the beginning of the game and then took my seat at the side of the court. I waved at my mom and granddad in the stands and then sat back down. And got terribly terribly bored. I was not then, and am not now, particularly interested in sports.
Instead of watching the game, I pursued another goal. Behind me was the group of newspaper photographers who took pictures for the paper. I spent he rest of the game, slowly repositioning myself on the sidelines to be between the photographers and the action of the game, sliding back and forth on the sidelines. I thought, "I am going to be in the paper!"
Years later, I realized that I must've ruined nearly every shot those guys got, with my tireless mugging.

ITEM #4:
I was a Boy Scout. But not a particularly good one. I never got higher than 2nd Class. One rank above Tenderfoot. And I got promoted because I'd been a Tenderfoot for way, way too long.
But I did love camping and visiting strange new places (my first trip to Chicago was with the BSA). I loved competing in the contests and cooking and setting up camp and exploring.
I just wasn't that big into collecting badges.

ITEM #5:
Somewhere at my dads house, there's a picture of me taken in 1983. When I was eight. Looking as cool as I possibly could, in my parachute pants and multiple headbands. I am wearing a sleevless t-shirt. And have headbands on my head, both wrists, my bicep and one of my knees. I am looking as cool as I possibly can, leaning back on a record player console and a wicker chair.
My fly is also down and you can clearly see that I wearing bright red, "The Flash" style underoos in the picture.
It's one of the most popular pics to pass around on holidays.

ITEM #5:
Once, in the throes of wild, uncontrollable puberty, I masturbated in the bathroom of a funeral parlor. Afterwards, I walked around openly weeping because I was sure that it must've been a mortal sin and that I was going to Hell for it. My family thought I was sad because some long, lost, distant grand-aunt had died. They hugged me and openly consoled me in my grief. Which made it worse, because I couldn't tell them why I was really crying.

ITEM #6:
I blamed it on a neighborhood kid, but it was really me who loaded up my great-grandmothers flowerbox with firecrackers and blew them all to Hell. I wanted to see if they would fly up into the air when they blew up (like in cartoons). They actually did just that.
But when the destruction made my great-grandmother hoppin' ass mad, I blamed it on a neighborhood kid. She never let that kid come back over, ever again, after that. I never told her the truth. I didn't want to be banished from the house.

ITEM #7:
For one whole summer, I was a notorious toy shoplifter from the Target near my grandmothers house. I probably got away with nearly $100 in GIJoes, in the summer of 1989. (I know it was 89, because we stole Batman:The Movie toys too.) I learned how to do it, from a buddy, David, who said that he'd been doing it for years.
Eventually, we were caught by the store detectives, who chased us out of the store, on foot. We ran through the parking lot, being chased by a guy in a station wagon, with ORANGE and GREEN police lights on his car. (Orange and Green? Seriously?)
I got cornered behind a dumpster and dumped the loot before I got dragged over to the station wagon. The security guard didn't even bother to get out of the station wagon. He threatened to send me to jail if I ever set foot in that Target, again. Then, he let me go.
And so, I didn't go back to that Target for nearly two years. When my dad went shopping there, I would stay and bake out in the hot car, waiting for him. He never knew why.

ITEM #8:
For nearly a year, in high school, I was convinced that I was going to grow up to be a youth minister. Right up until I discovered that there was no God. My two best friends both grew up and are both currently employed in the administration of their local churchs.

Now, I Will Demand Corresponding Memes from the following bloggers:
Crescent, Margaret, Matt, Ted, Sammy, Louie, Jeff and Elizabeth!
Look for your notifying emails soon!

This concludes my Meme!
END OF LINE.

Soon I Will Be Invincible: A Book.

I read a review for this book in last weeks "Book Review" edition of the Reader. It's called "Soon I Will Be Invincible" by Austin Grossman. I have to admit, I am really interested in picking this thing up.


Here's the plot synopsis from Amazon.com.

The realm of comic book heroes and villains gets a dose of realism in this whimsical debut from game design consultant Grossman. The story shifts between the perspectives of Doctor Impossible, a brilliant scientist turned world's greatest menace, and Fatale, a lonely cyborg and the newest addition to the venerable group of heroes known as the Champions. Though he's been out of commission for a while, Doctor Impossible hatches a scheme to knock the planet out of orbit ("As the Earth grows colder, my power becomes apparent, and the nations submit," he reasons). Meanwhile, Champions leader Corefire goes missing, and Fatale has to learn the ropes of superherodom as the conventional climactic showdown (at Doctor Impossible's secret lair) draws near. However fantastical, the characters (including a "genetic metahuman" and "an elite fairy guard") are thoughtfully portrayed, with Fatale—stuck in a perpetual existential crisis—bemused over the Champions' purpose, and Doctor Impossible wondering "whether the smartest man in the world has done the smartest thing he could with his life." Grossman dabbles in a host of themes—power, greed, fame, the pitfalls of ego—in this engrossing page-turner, broadening the appeal of an already inviting scenario.

You can read an actual excerpt from the book here.

I also read in the Reader review that one of the characters in the Champions, is a half man/ half tiger who suffers chronic back pain from the habit of walking upright. That kills me. That sort of logical extension of the fantastical world of comics is what I enjoyed most about books like "Astro City" and "Tom Strong" and movies like "The Incredibles". I think that this book is going to be a natural extension of those earlier works.

Anyways, I emailed Borders, down by where I am working today and asked them to reserve a copy for me. I still have a gift card in my wallet from January that I haven't used. I think I've been waiting until now for a reason to use it. I think I've been waiting for this book to come along.

Cheers,
Mr.B

PS. Borders had this delightful little article in their email to me about the book. I thought I'd reprint it here for your enjoyment.


Doctor Impossible's Six Rules for Supervillain Survival
by Doctor Impossible


1. Never tell them your plan.
I know it's hard. Heroes don't make plans, they just smash other people's. So they're not going to appreciate the fourth stage, when the orbital lasers come together perfectly and start boiling off the atmosphere. But now it's never going to happen. Because� you told them your plan.

2. Never team up.
Crime is kind of lonely. You catch yourself thinking things, like, "Nechrotron does such great work with undead. He's probably not such a bad guy to have a beer with� we should team up! Like the heroes do!" Yeah, Nechrotron feeds on the human soul. He has a skull for a head. He doesn't want to hang out or steal stuff with you, or high-five you after a big job. He doesn't even have real hands.

3. Never take off your mask.
You want them to know, really know, who it's been all this time. That the nerd they laughed at in high school grew up to be the finest scientific mind on the planet and built enormous gleaming machines that held the world in awe. Guess what? They totally forgot about you. They'll just catalog your retinas and that'll be a problem down the road.

4. Never date another supervillain.
See above. Recipe for tears. Trust me.

5. Never tell your nemesis "We are not so different, you and I�"
Because�guess what?�you really are quite different. You've got reasons for what you do, you're smarter, you're angrier, and maybe a little bit crazy. That's why they're punching you in the face. That's why they're living in a gleaming anti-crime satellite, and you're in jail. Which brings us to my final rule.

6. Never give up.
Never, ever, give up. So what if you're in jail? You're the villain, and yes, you're going to fight a hundred battles and lose every one. You're not a hero. But someday�maybe�you'll conquer the world.